Tarhearted.

A LIST OF DON'TS.

I'm no fashion expert or anything, but I am a person who is deeply sensitive to aesthetics. That said, I've compiled a short list of aesthetic grievances that have had me crossing streets or changing train cars lately. I've mentioned some of these before (and even started a blog specifically devoted to one of them), but sometimes it bares repeating.

To quote Valerie Cherish (as Aunt Sassy) in the tragically canceled, The Comeback: "I don't need to SEE that!"

I should also mention that the first three items are things that I struggle with, because I love them as much as I hate them. What can I say? I lead a tortured life. The last three are pure seething hatred.

1. I hate people who go out in public with wet hair. I'm sorry, I just do. What's even worse is hair that just looks wet, when in reality it is quite dry and crunchy. Then again, there is a level of laziness that can become quite funny in people.

2. Fake ass eyebrows. Seriously, ladies, this shit is ugly as anything, but also sort of hysterical.

 

3. Fake ass nails. I'm gagging just looking at this. Although I do sort of appreciate it when it makes people sort of type from the sides of their fingers in an awkward and hysterical way.

4. Uggs. This is just over, although I fear we'll never be able to pry these away from America's ladies. Uggs will outlive us all! Particularly since some of us will off ourselves if they don't go away soon.

5. Mother fucking tights-as-pants. Especially if they are tucked into the aforementioned Uggs. KILL!

6. These things: (I'm looking at you, Brooklyn gays). Confession time: I bought one of these in a moment of weakness, but was too shy to ever really wear it (thankfully.)

To the perpetrators of numbers 1 through 3, either cease and desist or make it funnier somehow. I don't know, exaggerate it or something. To the perpetrators of numbers 4 through 6, I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT!

MY CHILDHOOD IS DEAD AND GONE.

Gawker brings news that makes my heart hurt: Warner Brothers is remaking The NeverEnding Story, or Die Unendliche Geschichte, as I like to call it. Why does this keep happening to me? Why do you suppose they are doing this to me?

This news makes me want to go home and watch old episodes of Galaxy High, which I can't stop thinking about randomly, then pass out on painkillers.

Fuck it.

To quote Moorla, the wise old giant turtle, "we don't even care whether or not we care."

SHUT UP, SARAH.

From CNN:

The mainstream media made it a mission to destroy the vice presidential candidacy of Sarah Palin, the Alaska governor says in a new documentary released Monday.

In an interview taped last month for conservative John Zeigler's new film "Media Malpractice," Palin said it is "very frightening, I think, what the media was able to get away with, this go-around.”

"’We are going to seek and we are going to destroy this candidacy of Sarah Palin’s because of what it is that she represents,’" the former vice presidential candidate described as the attitude members of the press adopted.

The movie, available on DVD for the first time Monday, chronicles press coverage of both Democratic primary campaign and the general election, and concludes the media was clearly biased in favor of Barack Obama.

“This is for the sake of our democracy that there is fairness in this other branch of government, if you will, called the media,” Palin also says in the interview filmed in January. “It is foreign to me the way some in the mainstream media are thinking.”

Gosh, I can't wait to see this fabulous documentary. Finally, somebody will do a critical expose on the real Sarah Palin and not the under articulate, race-baiting Sarah Palin we came to know during the campaign. It's the media's fault she looked like a mouth breather.

Barf.

I HEART EUROPE.

I'm still sick, so I can't go out boozing like I normally would on a Saturday night. Instead I've been trolling youtube searching for a video by this French new wave singer:

Since I changed jobs about eight months ago, I can safely now divulge that I know her. She was hired by my old company to come in from Paris for a job we were working on, but I didn't know until she was gone that she had an amazing music career in the early eighties. This is a screen grab from her video to her amazing track, "Suis-Je Normale?" It seems like it was removed from youtube, which is a damn shame. But when god (youtube) closes a door, it makes sure to open a window.

I give you your new favorite band, Ganymed, a German space disco outfit.

Here is the video for their hot track, "Music Drives Me Crazy".

You're welcome.

TOUCH ME-- I'M SICK.

I'm sick. My nose is so congested that my eyes are red and swollen. My throat feels like sandpaper. I've no doubt the work on my desk is piling up and I don't relish the thought of going back on Monday. the only positive is the fact that The Boyfriend finally bought me a snuggie:

(I hate that woman's sofa and her stupid little weasel face too.)

Don't start with me! It feels good, okay? No, I don't see any irony in my reading fashion magazines whilst wearing my snuggie. Yes, I know it's just a backwards robe. But from the front I look like a wizard, and that makes it okay.

All that said, I haven't been home on a work day in ages. Life is so different when you don't have a nine to five! It's sort of fun. Has anybody every seen The Bonnie Hunt Show? Who is this Bonnie person and how did she get her own show? She kind of seems like somebody who would have been friends with my mom and who would accompany us weekly rounds of yard sales until my mom would mysteriously stop returning their phone calls. Watching the show is kind of like being in a crazy woman's apartment while she wanders around aimlessly and talks to herself. It makes me feel guilty, but I like it.

I should have my own talk show. I promise I'll talk about more than my mother and my dog, unlike Bonnie. Also, I'll have the best guests, like Charro or Markie Post.

In other news, my ten-minute play A Super Shiny Precious Thing, will be presented as part of LSU's OutWorks. I'm so glad it's getting produced again and doubly glad to have that cash in my pocket.

THE PENTHOUSE EXECUTIVE CLUB.

My love of local strip club commercials is epic and unwavering. What's not to love? There's nothing more aesthetically pleasing then some fried hair, orange skin, and a glittery stripper gown.There's always some attempt to class it up, but this is amazing. The Penthouse Executive Club compares itself to the Renaissance.

Ha ha ha ha!

Dear readers, please don't ever have a steak at The Penthouse Executive Club. That is how you get hepatitis c. In fact, don't have a steak on 11th avenue period. You'll thank me some day.

In other news, much thanks go to Youngblood's RJ, who started a blog (as kind of a joke) in my honor. I had him make me a contributor and I'm taking that shit over. That said, please visit my fashion blog.

RESTING HER VOICE?

I went to my normal Chinese place today on my lunch break. I think every New Yorker probably has a favorite greasy Chinese spot and this is mine. The food is good and the price is right so i end up getting lunch there a lot.

What separates King Wok from other establishments, however, is the woman working the counter who screams, really SCREAMS, your order to the kitchen behind her. Seriously, you see people jump a lot because they get frightened by this horse little woman. And, yes, she's always horse. (If you read the reviews on the attached link there are more than a few comments about her.)

Today she was a no show for the second time in a week and I felt genuine concern. I'm worried that she's ill or something happened to her. In her place was this tiny little nobody, some mouse of a girl with glasses. No thank you. I want my lion hearted counter lady back.

I hope she's away for a nice reason, like a wedding or graduation or a vacation or something. Anyway, in her honor I repost one of my favorite videos. This is Cyndi Lauper singing her (not a) hit song from the soundtrack to Vibes, "Hole in My Heart (that Goes All they Way to China)".

Love those racist ching chong chimes!

Oh, and speaking of food, in response to my last entry: tater tot casserole is fucking disgusting. Seriously? This nightmare recipe is rated five stars? I'm all for comfort food, but this is just too base. It's the food equivalent of shitting your sweat pants at Wal-Mart. Humiliating and disgusting.

In other news, I finally had a reading of my new play, MilkMilkLemonade, at Youngblood last night. It went rather well considering I was terrified that I would be asked to leave the American theater and stop ruining plays.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

I have something to tell you.

I kind of, sort of stopped eating meat. I'm kind of, maybe, a vegetarian now. It's something that's been building since I saw a fucked up This American Life about pig farming and then solidified last week when The Boyfriend and I watched Fassbinder's In a Year with 13 Moons, which contains a graphic slaughterhouse scene. Add to this the fact that I've been researching chicken processing plants (as much as I can stand to) for my new play and voila... I'm off meat.

It's been kind of hard so far. I'm poor white trash from Kentucky, so meat has always been in every meal. In general, if a meal doesn't contain meat then I still feel empty when I finish eating. On top of that, I loathe any kind of fake meat, or at least the varieties I've tried.

So far all I can think of to eat is potatoes (French fries! tater tots!), salads, and various casseroles. Tonight I'm making tater tot casserole, which I'm certain will be delicious.

I'm just nervous: what will I do when I run out of vegetarian comfort food?

Also, vegetarian cooking? Seriously?

I'm so boring and old now. I can't really call this blog Tarhearted anymore. It's become so gentle. I quit smoking. I started jogging and doing yoga. I'm a vegetarian. Lame.

I should go back to writing about things that matter, like why women who don't dry their hair before they get on the subway are disgusting.

CURRENT OBSESSION: THE YOUNGER LOVERS.

I'm swooning over Brontez and his one-man, lo-fi punk band, The Younger Lovers. Check it out:

How AWESOME is this? I love a rad fag.

RACHEL MADDOW.

In the tradition of crushing on hip dykes that look like hip fags, I have such a boner for Rachel Maddow, and especially when she wears her sexy glasses.

Oh, Rachel!

You are so wry and smart. I like when you talk about the stimulus package. I want to be life partners with you and, like, go hiking. I want to read the New York Times Sunday paper and spoon.

God, I love a hot nerd. This is similar to my (very weird) childhood crush on Dennis the Menace's dad.