THE LUCKIEST GUY.

I'm the luckiest guy! Read the e-mail I just found waiting in my inbox:

"ATTEN,

I am in response to your mail regarding your inherited fund $1.2MillionUSD that has been unclaimed, we wish to inform you that instructions was passed to our bank to effect on ward payment to you through our ATM CREDIT CARD payment system.

YOUR ATM DEDLIVERY NOTIFICATION! This is to bring to your notice that, I have paid the registration of your ATM CARD.I paid it because the ATM-822 worth $1.200,000.00 USD has less three month to expire and when it expires the money will go into Government reserve. With that I decided to help you pay the money so that the ATM CARD will not expire,

Because I know when you get your ATM CARD definitely you must compensate me. The delivery charges have been paid but I did not pay their official keeping fees since they refused. Reasons for their refusal are because they do not know when you are going to contact them. They told me that their keeping fee is $50 and I deposited it day before yesterday.

Now your ATM CARD has been deposited with U.P.S Service Limited Benin delivery so I want you to contact U.P.S Service Limited Benin with your Full Contact information’s so that they can deliver your ATM CARD to your designated address without any delay.

Below is their Contact Information,
Contact Person: JIM V.SIMON U.P.S
Email: ( upscouriercompay100@msn.com )
Tel: +22996334110

Let me know once you receive your Card, Yours sincerely MOHAMED WILLIAMS"

YES!

This makes me think about money.

The idea that I could have inherited 1.2 million dollars from any of my relatives is hysterical. My people are hill folk and get Mountain Dew Mouth. That said, if I did inherit that money I'd spend it in a couple of places:

1. Pay off credit card debt and fancy art school loans. (This one is boring, but obvious).

2. I've always wanted to get my ears pinned back and the rings removed from my eyes. People say, "get more sleep." That's bullshit... I look like a raccoon in my baby pictures.

3. Buy everything in Marc Jacobs. All of it.

4. Produce all of my plays in lavish (but cheap in the grand scheme of things) productions.

5. Buy an apartment in the East Village.

6. Get porcelain veneers in an attempt to cheat Mountain Dew Mouth.

Amazing how I've become the only person in my entire family to graduate college, jumped about five social and economic classes, crawled my way from rural Kentucky to New York City... and I'm still not satisfied with what I have or proud of my accomplishments.

God, stop complaining already.