Oh my god you guys, I am fagging out.
The BBC aired the first episode of... are you ready for this?... Joan Collins Does Glamour. I know, right? How was this not already a show? How is this not on 24 hours a day? Check it out:
I hope she slaps peopel and pushes people into pools and stuff. God, I can't WAIT. If this isn't on BBC America when I get home, somebody will pay dearly.
It occurs to me that i may need to add a tag for "elegance" because sometimes the catch all "fashion" or "health and beauty" tags just won't suffice. Case in point: Allyson White, who even spells her name the elegant way.
I love waht she's wearing. Are thos epants or does she have a tie dyed blanket over her legs? Extra points for the cigarette, beer, and Cyndi Lauper in hard times hairdo. Anyway, Allyson (god, i'm crazy about that spelling) was definately NOT giving a beej when the driver of the car she was riding in crashed.
Quoth Allyson:
"I was not sucking his d*** - and it's pretty obvious that wasn't the case ... you only have to look at the mark on my chest," she said.
"Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it's impossible that I'd be leaning over sucking his d*** unless he is hung like a donkey or I've got a f****** rubber neck."
"If it was true I'd just cop it sweet and think 'how embarrassing, I got caught sucking someone's d***' - but it is not true and that's what is p****** me off."
"I don't understand where that story has come from," she said.
"It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he'd already paid me."
"But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job."
Too true, sister. too true.
Full story here.
I don't know why I didn't write about Kari Ferrell aka "the hipster grifter" when it was all the buzz a few months ago. I certainly had an interest. I was following the whole thing quite closely, actually, and would update The Boyfriend with all the latest developments on a regular basis.
I suppose it might be because all the coverage was so negative. Of course it was. She is a "hipster" which we're supposed to disdain, right? (Even though nearly everybody I know who hates hipsters actually is one.) Also, and more to the point, she swindled lots of people out of lots of money. So... um... that's bad.
The thing is, I really, really like her. I know! I can't help it though. Is it so wrong of me? People like Bonnie and Clyde, don't they? Billy the Kid? So maybe it's just natural for me to find an outlaw like Kari appealing. Maybe it's the under dog in me who also not-so-secretly thinks it would be hilarious to pretend to have an Ivy League MFA. (I still think that's an awesome idea, by the way. I apologized for getting sidetracked, not for my original point. And now I'm sidetracked again! Gah!) Also, Kari introduced me to two awesome sayings:
1. I want to give you a hand job with my mouth.
2. Throw a hot dog down my hallway.
She's like the tranny teens who were mugging people outside of an upscale Greenwich Village apartment building a few months ago and using the profits to buy wigs and makeup. In a word, AWESOME. Call me tarhearted, but I hope she gets everything she ever wanted and more. The street fags have a saying, and I would like to apply this saying to Kari.
"Get it, girl."
You can write to the woman herself while she's in prison, and I'm seriously considering it. It's unkind to make a hipster live in Utah. Cruel and unusual punishment! Write to Kari at:
K. Ferrell
Inmate SO#: 295558
Salt Lake Correctional Facility
3415 South 900 West
Salt Lake City, UT 84119
The Boyfriend and I were watching the Chiller network last night when an old favorite came on. I used to rent Witchboard from the Safeway by my house when I was kid, and can remember thinking that Tawny Kitane was about the most sophisticated and glamorous woman I could imagine. Couple that with my life long obsession with Ouija boards and you've got a Conkel favorite.
Oh my god, this movie is so much better as an adult. The cast is out to lunch, the script is retarded, and the whole thing feels like it was put together by a closeted homo. (It obsesses over Tawny's various outfits and keeps the two male leads shirtless throughout.) There is some wonderful photography of Lee press-on nails on ouija boards though, so there's that. Also, a new wave dyke psychic! Everybody wins!
I got inspired some took screen shots, but for technical reasons can't post them right now. I'm really sad that i wasn't fast enough to capture the amazing hat, pashmina, and onesy that Tawny Kitane wears to a funeral, but I'm only human. This is very distressing. I wanted to created a photo essay so that the whole world could see what a beautiful film it is, but it'll have to wait. In the mean time, please enjoy the trailer:
I promise that a photo essay is forthcoming.
I'm in a long term, committed relationship, but I'm not dead. So who am I crushing on right now?
1. Washington D.C Editor of The Nation and regular Keith Olbermann guest, Christopher Hayes.
So fucking adorable! He's the kind of dude you want to see in boxers and a tee shirt making eggs in the morning. Also, he's really smart, which is a big turn on. Actually, that might hurt my chances. I mean, he's Editor of The Nation, for God's sake. What are the chances he's going to want to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta with me and eat hot open turkey sandwiches from the diner? They probably aren't great. Also, he's straight and married which is so just... whatever.
One quibble: he needs hipper frames. I'd like to see him in something like this:
Speaking of Gossip Girl (I'm behind, so don't tell me anything!):
2. Ed Westwick AKA Chuck Bass AKA my fashion icon. Look at this hotness:
To no one's surprise I've become obsessed with a French new wave duo called Elli et Jacno. From Wikipedia:
"Denis Quillard alias Jacno and Elli Medeiros decided to start a music duo after leaving the punk band The Stinky Toys. Jacno composed and performed the music and Elli sang and wrote the lyrics. They released three albums together before splitting up and beginning solo careers."
That's pretty much it. I haven't been able to find any of their albums, really. It's so unfair! I love Elli's vocals, the wimpy sound (I love wimpy drums and synth), and Jacno is total masturbation material.
Plus, it's French! I love Paris more than I love almost anything and constantly dream that I''ll one day live there and ride around on a moped. America gives me hives and is full of fatsos and birthers and stuff.
Look at this awesome video:
Or this one:
Basically, I just want my whole life to be like this scene from Les Nuits de la Pleine Lune, an 80's movie that Elli et Jacno did the soundtrack for:
I wanna be at that dance party! I WANT THAT TO BE MY LIFE!
I'm not one of those people who constantly talk about how annoying hipsters are. I mean, I like indie rock. I wear skinny jeans. I live in Williamsburg. Further, it kind of bugs me when New Yorkers talk this way. If you don't want to be around manipulative, self-centered, trend setters then you may as well move to Kansas or wherever. I might be a hipster myself if I weren't so socially awkward and nerdy.
I'm not a hipster, but Williamsburg makes me hipster adjacent, so let me let you in on what's hip. What's cool. What's totally now and edgy.
Miracle Whip.
Reason # 3, 428 why my mom is so rad. She saw this whole Miracle Whip trend, like, twenty-five years ago. Clearly I have the Zoey Deschanel of moms.
You heard it here first, folks.
Typepad, the service through which I publish my incisive, wise, and elegant blog, always posts a "question of the day" meant to inspire a blog entry. They're totally lame, but you know what? It totally worked today, because I've been meaning to write about this for a long time, but haven't gotten the chance.
Question of the Day:
If you were only allowed to own one book, what book would you choose?
I know what you're thinking. A book, Josh? But books are boring! But one book is not boring. One book is awesome. What book, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
Obviously, the answer is Why Don't You..., suggestions by by Diana Vreeland, former editor of Harper's Bazaar and later of Vogue (until she was fired in 1971 by some cuntessa). Ms Vreeland died way back in 1989 because she was too beautiful for the 90's, but her wisdom lives on.
For 26 years she penned the column Why Don't You... which have now been compiled in this book alongside some truly gorgeous photography. Her column was simply a series of suggestions of things to do. Simple activities to help one overcome the boredom that is the human condition.
Why don't you...
tie black tulle bows on your wrists?
have a yellow satin bed entirely quilted in butterflies?
remember how delicious champagne cocktails are after tennis or golf? Indifferent champagne can be used for these.
upholster your car seat in fine camel's hair? Hermes of Paris will do this for you.
wash your blond baby's hair in dead champagne to keep its curl?
Why don't you, indeed? This is the activity book that parents ought to be giving their children on rainy days. Diana Vreeland had the life I want. No fair. Why, oh, why was I born Kentucky trailer trash instead of New York Society?
UPDATE: I just discovered that Vreeland invented the word "pizazz" and also "faction", which is a combination of "fact" and "fiction". SWOON.
(The gorgeous Diana Vreeland, 1903-1989.)
So what book would you own?
