Tarhearted.

LIKE DELICATE LADIES.

It occurs to me that i may need to add a tag for "elegance" because sometimes the catch all "fashion" or "health and beauty" tags just won't suffice. Case in point: Allyson White, who even spells her name the elegant way.

I love waht she's wearing. Are thos epants or does she have a tie dyed blanket over her legs? Extra points for the cigarette, beer, and Cyndi Lauper in hard times hairdo. Anyway, Allyson (god, i'm crazy about that spelling) was definately NOT giving a beej when the driver of the car she was riding in crashed.

Quoth Allyson:

"I was not sucking his d*** - and it's pretty obvious that wasn't the case ... you only have to look at the mark on my chest," she said.

"Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it's impossible that I'd be leaning over sucking his d*** unless he is hung like a donkey or I've got a f****** rubber neck."

"If it was true I'd just cop it sweet and think 'how embarrassing, I got caught sucking someone's d***' - but it is not true and that's what is p****** me off."

"I don't understand where that story has come from," she said.

"It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he'd already paid me."

"But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job."

Too true, sister. too true.

Full story here.

SHALL WE PLAY?

My Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman obsession is full throttle. I've read every online article on the show I could find, and I've just placed a bid on this vintage Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman board game.

When I think about the fact that I'm almost halfway through the only 25 available episodes of 326 total episodes, and the fact that I'll probably never see the remaining 301, I want to cry.

The world is an ugly and unfair place.

TODDLERS IN TIARAS.

TLC is officially the network of Tarhearted. They gave us Little People, Big World and another show about my favorite family, those French braid loving Duggars.

Now (OMG! I'm shivering with excitement as I write this) they've gone and created a show about a subject I'm intensely passionate about: little girl beauty pageants.

Enter Toddlers and Tiaras.

What beautiful little angels.

I know some of you might say it's wrong to spray tan, paint up, and bewig little girls. Well, I say YOU'RE wrong. All children, boys and girls, should have deep golden tans and access to wiggery. Every time I go to a child's birthday party I bring them a gift certificate to Hollywood Tans and a box of Crest Whitening Strips, because I'm a child advocate, thank you very much.

POP FOR PEDOPHILIACS.

My love for 1960's "teenage tragedy" pop music is well documented. I adore The Shangri-Las, whose entire career was based on car crashes, runaways and delinquency. But I'm starting to think that the 1960's were also golden era for pop songs celebrating pedophilia. I started to suspect this when my friend brought up Young Girl by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.

The lyrics:

"Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl,
You're much too young, girl
With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You're old enough
To give me Love
And now it hurts to know the truth, Oh,
Beneath your perfume and make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it is wrong to be
Alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes, Oh,
So hurry home to your mama
I'm sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here
Before I have the time
To change my mind
'Cause I'm afraid we'll go too far, Oh,
Young girl"

I immediately felt in my bones that this was true, though I can't think of a lot of examples. All that is coming to mind is Come Back When You Grow Up Girl by Bobby Vee. You know...

"Come back when you  grow up girl,
You're still living in a paper doll world."

There's also My Sharona, but that's the 70's. Please, won't you help me think of more so that I might make a sock hop mix for Pedopheliacs?

ANIMAL CROSSING: CITY FOLKS.

How hard do I want to play this game? SO HARD.

I don't like video games much. I think they're kind of tacky and dull, to be honest. I do like games that are hilariously tacky though, and especially if you get to name your own character and play a sorcerer or something. I like games the allow for role playing.

When The Sims first came out I was a die hard addict. I would literally sit at the computer for twelve hours or more, chain smoking while I built my dream house and tried to convince my in game neighbor to have gay sex with my character and move in already. Who knew going to bathroom and paying bills and stuff could be so fun?

I don't smoke anymore and The Sims eventually destroyed my computer so I'm kind of over it, but you know what seems awesome? A game that's kind of similar except you play adorable animal creatures in a magical city.

I looked up Animal Crossing: City Folk on Wikipedia. Here are some intriguing in-game features:

-Gracie Grace: A high-class furniture and clothing shop run by Gracie and a porcupine named Labelle.

-Katrina the psychic cat will tell players their future.

-Kicks: A shoe-shining skunk. For a fee, players can get the colour or style of their shoes changed.

-Shampoodle: A hairdessing salon run by Hariett.

-On random days, Phineas, a jolly sea lion, will be waiting with his cart in the city. The player can choose to obtain a gift. The gift can be a bubble wand, a pinwheel, or a balloon in a classic shape or a bunny shape.

Shit, this makes me want to buy a Wii. I am a little concerned that playing this game will turn me into a Furry though.

That's the last thing I need.

WIND WHISTLER.

You are WIND WHISTLER! You are helpful, and kind, and know all sorts of big words. You are the Mary Poppins of my little ponies!

RESCUE RANGERS.

VHS Gold is the most amazing thing that has happened to me since I stumbled upon Stairway to Stardom! VHS Gold gave me Greer Childers, the gorgeous fitness maven from yesterday's post, and now they're giving my The Chippendales!

I remember these guys from the eighties. They were in a lot of "naughty movies" and eighties comedy sex romps I watched as a kid, like Bachelor Party. Are they still around? I hope so, and I hope it's the same ones with beer guts and mullet haircuts.

I just thought of those Sarah Palin rallies from a few weeks ago! We really dodged a bullet on that one, huh? And, yes, I mean literally.

RESOURCES FOR WRITERS.

All of this letter writing has me totally horny for stationary, stickers, and pens! When you've got that itch to scratch, everybody knows there's only one place to go.

Lisa Frank... stuff girls love.

Except some boys love Lisa too. I know I did, even though some of the old hatchet faces who taught me might have turned up their ugly noses at a boy who likes purple, pandas, and ponies. Let's not kid ourselves... hetero normative prejudices start a birth!

Side note: remember having to sit near that girl who'd just had a perm and how awful it smelled? It was always the same girl who ate her boogers and picked her stretch pants out of her cooter when she thought nobody was looking. Her name was always, like, Mindy or something. At least that's the name The Boyfriend and I use when we see a grown up version of this girl. "Look at that Mindy!"

My next letter to Ron Prentice will be posted and sent out on Monday. I also have a mixed CD for Ron in the works. I hope he likes Morrissey!

Also, here is a list of protests happening nation wide on November 15th. Join the cause or I'll tell everybody your hair stinks.

ALSO, THERE'S THIS.

If everyone was jumping off a bridge would you jump too?

Yes. Yes I would.

CASIO LOOPY.

I always hated video games for the most part, unless you got to play royalty or a wizard or something. At no point in my life have I ever wanted to play a sport, let alone a simulated and animated sport. After all, sports kill taste.

That said, on a "blogosphere" binge this morning I discovered the Casio Loopy, a game console sold only in Japan during the mid 1990's. What's so awesome about it? I'm glad you asked. It was marketed to girls... and it prints stickers!

Apparently they only released eleven games before they shut down production, and most games were about boys or makeovers. Awesome! Here is a youtube video of Anime Land. I want to have a slumber party and play this, like, now: