Tarhearted.

AESTHETIC HEAVEN.

 

I want this world back sometimes. There is nothing so aesthetically pleasing in the world as the movies I grew up watching on late night cable.

Except for maybe the Times Square grindhouses, which I missed entirely.

 

 

GAYS THAT DON'T SEEM GAY.

I've recently been watching a lot of ABC's sitcom, Happy Endings. It's a single camera comedy set in Chicago revolving around a break up within a tight group of friends. It's simple and cute. One of the friends, the adorable ne'er-do-well Max, is gay.

I had a crush on Max, so I googled him and discovered that lots of TV writers crush on him too. They praise his schlubbiness, his pudge, his bad behavior and his general "un gayness." People, it turns out, like a gay character who doesn't seem "gay." Presumably because he's pudgy and likes sports and wears cargo pants. What's more, tv writers appreciate that Max's homosexuality is a non-issue amongst the other characters, straights all.

I've heard all this before, of course. Even from gay people. "I just wish there could be a gay character where nobody makes an issue of it." On the gay person's part I think it's a desire for homosexuality to be de stigmatized. A sort of, "Imagine if we didn't have to deal with this shit." But on the part of television networks I feel wary. I'm afraid a "straight acting" gay guy translates to "this will make us look progressive even though this character will never have sex or fall in love or deal with discrimination." Advance press says Max is getting a boyfriend in Season 2, so I'm happy to report that gay tokenism doesn't seem to be the case here.

Still, a couple of things:

1. I notice more and more that gays and straights alike have a distaste for sissy for effeminate gay men. I see it in the comments sections for gay blogs. I understand the desire more varied depictions of gay men, but it's obvious when you read how much bile these dudes pour on femmes that they have mucho internalized homophobia. They're the same queens that hate drag and want to drop the T from LGBT so we seem more "normal."

And mainstream media, too, is quick to praise gay characters on TV that aren't effeminate. Characters like Max or the ROTC son from United States of Tara. "This is no Curt from Glee," they say, or, "This is no Jack MacFarland." I love my Max and all, but I have to ask: What the fuck is wrong with Curt? Or Jack?*

In both cases there's an implied annoyance with effeminate men. I keep thinking of the Backstage critic who wrote of my performance in Lonesome Winter by saying something like, "Joshua Conkel is just not funny, especially when he acts like a bitchy fashion designer." Fashion designer is a euphameism if you're too slow to keep up.

2. And what the fuck is wrong with me? Oh god, the traits critics praise in max are the same traits I found attractive. I hate the term "straight acting" but... am I attracted to straight acting guys? Or are the definitions for "straight acting" or "gay acting" totally arbitrary and made up? I myself don't fall into either category. I'm pretty effeminate acting, but I'm covered in tattoos and I prefer The Misfits to Lady Gaga. That ain't very Chelsea. But I'm totally attracted to rockabilly dudes or guys who seem like they might be criminals, and I suppose that makes me "into straight acting guys." Blech! That was so gross to type. Because, why one or the other? Seriously, this question is gnawing at me. Television, please help me.**

3. I'm not in the camp who thinks it's good to have gay characters where their sexuality is "a non-issue" because- nine times out of ten- it's a non-issue because it's never discussed or dealt with in any way whatsoever. I love LGBT characters on television, effeminate or not, but not if they're just there to help some lady get dressed. Likewise if they're only character trait is to be the opposite of whatever "gay acting" is. They have to be fully formed, in and out of love, sexual, struggling, etc. Just like all the other characters. All of my closest friends are straight and you know what? i would never allow them to turn my homosexuality into a non-issue. Same goes with my family and coworkers and the man who runs the bodega on my corner. It's always there and on the table (not physically), whether people like it or not.

*I had problems with Will & Grace, but not because Jack was effeminate.

**Ugh. Straight men are so lucky they don't have to think about this shit all the time.

THE WALKING DEAD.

This trailer for AMC's new series, The Walking Dead, is so good I nearly got a nosebleed.

Please, oh please, can I be a writer for this show?

WENDY, WENDY, CAROL.

The Fiance and I stumbled across an episode of The Wendy Williams show last night and, I have to tell you, I'm so glad we did. It must've been a fag special because her guests were Kathy Griffin and... wait for it... CAROL CHANNING!!!

It. Was. Heaven.

First of all, I'd never watched this show before. The first part is just Wendy talking to her audience and it seems unscripted. Do you have a friend that talks too much and is really, really vain and not that interesting but you like them anyway? That's kind of how Williams is. Also, I loved her even more once Carol came out and she was moved to tears.

I would be moved to tears too, Wendy.

Let's talk about Carol's outfit. She was wearing a red leather jacket a la Michael Jackson in the "Beat It" video. Her hair was up in a pony tail-ish thing, like Pebbles from the Flintstones.

Wait, I found a picture:

Amazing, right? And then, Carol brought it home, saying, "Doesn't it look like an atom bomb going off?" Ha ha ha ha ha! Then Carol and Wendy spent the ENTIRE FIRST SEGMENT talking about Wendy's make-up artist. That queen, whoever he is,  must have been backstage just glowing.

Then (oh god, I can hardly type this) they have a discussion about race. Carol shares a story about her parents worrying that she might have a black baby. Carol then says that would have been fine since, "She could've been an Alvin Ailey dancer." Then, THEN, Wendy Williams names Carol Channing an honorary black person. What the WHAT?

I ate this show up like candy. I'll tell you one thing, Carol Channing and Wendy Williams will both be in my heaven. 

P.S. It's really hard for me to not call Wendy Williams Wendy O. Williams, who was the lead singer of The Plasmatics and star of the seminal film, Reform School Girls. I kind of think that would make a better show.

MY STORIES.

I'm so excited because I will finally, FINALLY, get the chance to stage the first episode of my soap opera, Sinking Hearts. It will be part of the HOT! Festival at Dixon Place in July for one performance only. That said, there is a chance I've found a regular home for it.

I'm not exactly sure how a serial works in terms of production. Should I run indefinitely or plan on, say, six episodes? I can hardly imagine I'd be able to get the same actors each time. Is it okay for actors to come in and out of roles? Once a month? Should I invite other writers to participate? I honestly have no idea.

I feel sort of guilty because I stopped watching Lost after Season 2 when it became clear to me that those bitch ass writers had absolutely no idea what they were doing and had no plan in place. I'm kind of feeling the same way, though I do have some crazy story ideas.

Sinking Hearts is a supernatural soap that follows two Navy wives, Misty and Crystal,  on Thomas Hartman Submarine Base, where there have been mysterious disappearances including Crystal's husband. Crystal is a terrible alcoholic and depressive. Misty is "a little bit psychic" and enjoys solving mysteries. This is super camp and I think I'm reserving the role of Misty for myself.

Some crazy plot points I'm using or considering using:

-An evil twin.

-A gay affair.

-Murder attempts galore. There's already one. Misty's daughter Madison is planning on murdering her mother with a pantyhose in a brick a la Heavenly Creatures.

-A car crash leading to extreme plastic surgery.

-A "waking coma" in which a character is in a coma but can otherwise walk around and stuff.

-Two words: Butt. Baby.

-Think Franz Kafka's The Metamorphoses.

-Military secrets.

-I want to include a demonic possession a la Days of Our Lives, but I'm not sure it fits.

What else can I include? The crazier the better.

BORN TO BE CHEAP.

If only youtube had existed when I was a teenager. In order to see Female Trouble and Pink Flamingos in tenth grade I had to mail order them by catalogue from a video store in Philadelphia. (I lived in rural Washington State.) I think my mother (goddess bless her) even had to put down a deposit because these VHS tapes were super out-of-print. It took longer than a week for them to arrive and when they did my mom let me skip school to watch them. I managed to hook up an old VCR to the new VCR so I could make illegal bootlegs and subsequently turned all the neighborhood kids into John Waters fans.

I loved those nights. We'd all sit in my basement smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey and shouting and watching the antics of real stars, like Divine and Mink Stole and Edith Massey. There was little else to do besides this. The alternative wasn't pretty either. At our most bored we'd get high by taking entire boxes of cough medicine or breaking into the summer homes of rich Seattlites who wouldn't be back for months. We were so beautiful then! Is it wrong that I wax nostalgic over juvenile delinquency?

These kids today are so lucky to have youtube. I can enter "Divine" and I'm immediately treated to a veritable treasure trove. Did you know sexy, sexy Alan Thicke had a  late night chat show called Thicke of the Night and that Divine performed her wonderful single, "Born to Be Cheap" on it?

It's wonderful. Thicke is so uncomfortable:

 

I googled "sexy Alan Thicke" and found this old Playgirl cover. If this is not a fake I will pay ungodly sums for it:

TELEPLAYS.

I just watched Mike Leigh's Abigail's Party from Netflix and holy cow did I love it. It's hard to describe, really, because "TV movie" doesn't really do the job. It  was a hit play that they filmed for BBC, but they filmed it in a studio with no audience. It's kind of like watching a play by yourself? Or like watching the saddest sitcom? Truth be told, the whole thing reminded me of my all-time favorite sitcom, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, which was a 70's sitcom NOT filmed before a live audience, making it kind of awkward and bizarre. I guess you'd call it a teleplay?

The set alone is enough reason to love watching this. The beautiful floral wallpaper and delicious shades of brown, mustard, and split pea are all divine, obviously. As is all the smoking and alcoholism. But this is also a savagely funny dark comedy. The plot, from Wikipedia:

Beverly Moss invites her new neighbours, Angela and Tony, over for drinks. She has also asked her divorced neighbour Susan, whose fifteen-year-old daughter Abigail is holding a party back in their house. Beverly's husband Laurence comes home late from work, just before the guests arrive. The gathering starts off in a stiff, insensitive, British-middle-class way as the virtual strangers tentatively gather, until Beverly and Laurence start sniping at each other. As Beverly serves more drinks and the alcohol takes effect, Beverly flirts more and more overtly with Tony, as Laurence sits impotently by. After a tirade about art, Laurence suffers a fatal heart attack. Within this simple framework, all of the obsessions, prejudices, fears and petty competitiveness of the protagonists are ruthlessly exposed.

I watched some really great plays on PBS when I was a kid. I vividly remember seeing Into the Woods, Sweeney Todd, and The House of Blue Leaves. I really cherish those memories. It really got me thinking about how much I would love to see some plays from the underground get this treatment, not just Broadway shows.

I would love to combine two of my biggest passions: indie theater and late night cable.

What if you filmed Derek Ahonen's The Pied Pipers of the Lower East Side on a studio set? How wonderful would that be? I would love to sit up late with popcorn and watch Soho Rep's production of Blasted. And, specifically to toot my own horn, MilkMilkLemonade would make killer late night cable fare.

TATTOOS.

I'll soon be getting my third tattoo. My old friend Jen (one of the animators of The Venture Bros on Adult Swim!) has agreed to draw it for me. She drew my first tattoo, which I still love so hard two years later.

This time I'm getting the other shoulder done. I'm getting a portrait of my mother. jen is doing an illustration of my mom's school picture from the early 1960's. It's beautiful. It's in black and white and mom is staring straight ahead with her black bob and cat eye glasses without even a hint ant a smile. Oh, mom! You always bring the realness! I'll post the photo as soon as I scan it.

Anyway, I was trolling the interwebs for hot tattoos, which was fun, but then I found it more fun to search for busted, ugly tattoos instead. These are among the treasures I found:

I actually really miss crazy, bald Britney.

(These two are father and son, natch!)

And, just for good measure, I actually think this is a pretty awesome tattoo. Hell, why not have a sense of humor?

ADVENTURES IN DVD.

I've begun watching HBO's old series, Tales from the Crypt, which I hadn't watched since I was a little boy. My parents didn't like my obsession with horror as a kid, which probably only made me like it more. I had unmarked VHS copies of each of the A Nightmare on Elm Street movies that I kept under my bed and at one point, at the height of my role playing nerdom, I created a rpg of Friday the 13th. For some reasont hough my folks didn't really seem to have a problem with my watching Tales from the Crypt. I suppose that since it was on television and based on a comic book they themselves read as kids they must have assumed it was "safe."

Thank God!

The series is subversive, violent, campy, and hilarious. I wish there were something like it today that I could write for. Not every episode is a gem, but even at its worst the show is still pretty entertaining. Some, like the escape mental patient in a Santa suit episode I watched last night, manage the near impossible - to be both frightening and funny at the same time. In general, I think, you get one or the other but rarely both.

Anyway, I recommend it.

I also recommend The Atheism Tapes, which is currently streaming on Netflix. Put simply, The Atheism Tapes is a series of BBC produced conversations between Jonathan Miller and six prominent intellectuals who also happen to be non believers. (Of special interest to theater nerds, Arthur Miller is one of them!) Miller seems to really know his subjects and they each discuss in depth just exactly what their path to disbelief was.

It's no secret that I'm an atheist and anti-theist, but I think anybody would find these conversations stimulating.

Why don't we have TV this smart in America?

Oh.

Right.

Christians.

A POST ABOUT CAT DRAG.

A promotional site for RuPaul's Drag Race (which The Fiance and I love, obviously) has a fun game that let's you "dragulate" yourself. Naturally we wanted to see our beloved Gus all queened out.

Gus before.

Gus after.

Fierce! Now I wanna buy Augustus as many kitty wigs as I can afford.