Tarhearted.

AN ADDENDUM.

I'm also grateful for the amazing Married to the Sea.

SAUCY.

Over on Parabsis there is a handy little tool that tells you who has recently commented so that you can click on a particular entry and read it. Naturally, my curiosity was peaked when I saw the following...

Recent Comments: Penis Stretching on an old post about cooking.

Naturally, I clicked through.

"That sauce is delicious!! Have you others recipes?" Clearly, Penis Stretching is a tiny British orphan a la Oliver! I clicked on Penis Stretching. It was awesome.

I know what somebody's getting for Hanukkah!

P.S. I've been spending too much time on that blog.

QUEER HUMOUR

The Boyfriend sent me this video, which is pretty much the most hilarious thing I've seen this week. (WARNING: super not safe for work.)

Sometimes I feel like it's wrong to laugh at things like this. My writing too, contains dialogue and themes that some would find unbelievably offensive. I suppose I'm too inside of it, because I'm always sincerely shocked- SHOCKED- that anybody would find my sense of humor offensive.

I was catching a train with a heterosexual and super liberal friend once and we were discussing different neighborhoods in the city when i said I wouldn't go to a certain neighborhood for fear of being "Matthew Shepherd-ed." Okay, it's not guffaw funny, but I don't think it's hideously offensive either. I was making light of a very real and legitimate fear I felt. My immediate thought was "oops, I've offended my friend," but then that gave way to something else. "Wait a minute, " I thought, "I'm the one who's fearful. I'm the one without my civil rights here." And then I thought, "Fuck it. I can say whatever I feel like saying."

As another example, I was with a group of friends discussing what their nicknames were in high school. When it got to me, without missing a beat, I responded "faggot". Nobody laughed. I thought it was funny.

I guess my question is this: is offensive humour a part of queer culture? Do queer people become funny as a defense mechanism or a survival tactic? Is the collective queer threshold for dark comedy wider because of a lifetime full of abuses? If you consider the popularity of John Waters, Margaret Cho, Absolutely Fabulous, Charles Busch, and Sarah Silverman, I would say that it is. Because if it isn't, well... then I'm just an asshole.

Hopefully though I'm just carrying on a tradition.

CHECKING IN.

Only have time to say a quick "hey".

Thanks, Katie!

MISS CALIFORNIA, UM, THINKS GAYS ARE UNEQUAL. NO OFFENSE!

Social conservatives (like hog fart Maggie Gallagher) are practically chewing at the bit to make Miss California the super tanned leather face of their anti-marriage equality movement. Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton (a judge at the pageant) posed the question: "Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?”

Constitutional scholar Carrie Prejean responded: ”Well, I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. Um, we live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what? In my country and in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think that it should be, between a man and a woman. Thank you.”

Ugh.

What Prejean so blithely ignores is the fact that we actually CANNOT choose same sex marriage in America. That's the whole problem, see, that mental midgets like herself, emboldened by their antiquated religious dogma, have seen fit to marginalize an entire group of people into second class citizenship. No offense!

Why do we continue to ask these girls anything at all? It's so depressing.

TEA BAGGING REPUBLICANS.

Has anybody been reading about the Republicans holding national Tea Bag parties on tax day? I got invited to this event in Seattle (I live in Brooklyn) via Facebook and I'm ashamed to admit I let my passion overtake me and immediately posted on the event's wall that everybody attending was retarded and how it isn't necessarily "socialism" to want a more equitable tax distribution, better infrastructure, and to no longer be the only first world country without any healthcare to speak of. Needless to say, they were not impressed. I was immediately met with comments stating I was confused about the meanings of Capitalism and Socialism (I'm not) and pleas to study my Russian History (I have).

It seems like they're planning to gather in cities and towns all across the country and wave tea bags at each other in protest of... um... I'm not sure what exactly. Presumably they're protesting the stimulus package, but that's already passed. And I guess they're against "socialism"? It seems ironic to me to protest Socialism at nationally funded parks and public areas then. Are they just protesting Obama? Like, the man himself? I'm not sure. Anyway, nice Boston Tea Party reference!

I do enjoy that none of the fine fiscal conservatives seem to be aware of the popular definition of tea bagging, which always makes me think of Martha Plimpton as the fag hag bar tendress in Pecker.

"No teabagging!" 

Here is a visual image for you to live with:

RON PRENTICE IS UNSEXY.

Pig fart Ron Prentice, of Protect Marriage dot com, has been named one of the unsexiest men by The Phoenix!

He's in the thirties, so he could have been a little higher, but I'll take it. I like that bologna face Rush Limbaugh is number one.  Also, good call on Kelsey Grammar!

Fifteen-year-old me is sad that Robert Smith of The Cure made the list, but I recognize that a middle-aged Smith does resemble the elderly Liz Taylor.

We're all getting older.

BINGO.

From Married to the Sea:

MARRIED TO THE SEA AND THEATER.

I'm currently working on two new plays. The first play is about an effeminate little boy who lives a lonely life on a farm. His only friend is a depressed chicken named Linda, who he's trying to rescue from being "processed". Standing in his way is his cancer-ridden Granny, who roams around the farm all day with her oxygen tank spouting off demensia babble, and a little boy rapist who lives down the road.

The two little boys might be played by women, a la Mary martin in Peter Pan. But, like, more fucked up, obviously. I think Granny should be played by a middle-aged man with a shaved head and pendulous fake breasts. Linda the Chicken will be played by a woman in a chicken suit, naturally.

It might also be a musical.

The other play is written to be performed in my apartment and concerns two co-workers/best friends who invite everybody from their office over for an Oscar party. Little do their guests (the hapless audience) know that the two women are going to kill themselves... right after they give a short Power Point presentation about loneliness and depression.

I'm starting to think my critics are right when they say I'm contemptuous. But, honestly, both plays are funnier than they sound.

Anyway, part of the inspiration for the second play (and I'm getting to the point here) is my well-documented obsession with:

1.) Women who wear white sneakers on the subway and then change into heels when they get to work.

2.) Cathy comics, my love for which goes back to boyhood and only deepened when a boyfriend of mine years ago would erase Cathy's thought bubbles and write in things like, "Ack! I have AIDS!"

So in my search for Cathy comics online, a friend (hi Kelsi!) introduced me to the amazing Married to the Sea, which rightfully dubs itself "the champagne of comics".

Behold three gems:

I can, and have, read this shit all day long now. Are there other online comics as good as this? I need to know.

ANIMAL CROSSING: CITY FOLKS.

How hard do I want to play this game? SO HARD.

I don't like video games much. I think they're kind of tacky and dull, to be honest. I do like games that are hilariously tacky though, and especially if you get to name your own character and play a sorcerer or something. I like games the allow for role playing.

When The Sims first came out I was a die hard addict. I would literally sit at the computer for twelve hours or more, chain smoking while I built my dream house and tried to convince my in game neighbor to have gay sex with my character and move in already. Who knew going to bathroom and paying bills and stuff could be so fun?

I don't smoke anymore and The Sims eventually destroyed my computer so I'm kind of over it, but you know what seems awesome? A game that's kind of similar except you play adorable animal creatures in a magical city.

I looked up Animal Crossing: City Folk on Wikipedia. Here are some intriguing in-game features:

-Gracie Grace: A high-class furniture and clothing shop run by Gracie and a porcupine named Labelle.

-Katrina the psychic cat will tell players their future.

-Kicks: A shoe-shining skunk. For a fee, players can get the colour or style of their shoes changed.

-Shampoodle: A hairdessing salon run by Hariett.

-On random days, Phineas, a jolly sea lion, will be waiting with his cart in the city. The player can choose to obtain a gift. The gift can be a bubble wand, a pinwheel, or a balloon in a classic shape or a bunny shape.

Shit, this makes me want to buy a Wii. I am a little concerned that playing this game will turn me into a Furry though.

That's the last thing I need.