Tarhearted.

MORE STUPIDER.

I've had a really terrible cold for two weeks now, but decided to go upstate and play in the snow anyway. Why? Because I'm a genius. At least I'm getting a lot of writing done. I finished the first act of my new play in a little less than a week and a half.

Has everybody seen the Levi's commercial that uses a recording of Walt Whitman reading his poem Pioneers! O Pioneers! over images of shirtless hipsters running through fields? No? Here it is:

Huh.

This commercial makes me feel weird.

I love Walt Whitman, and this is one of my favorite poems of his too. A friend remarked to me that there isn't a single emotion man is capable of that Whitman didn't cover, and I think that friend was correct. I mean, Leaves of Grass pretty much covers the gamut of human experience all by itself. I'm pretty grossed out to see such a powerful and meaningful poem used to sell a product.

That said, I buy that product. And lot's of it. In fact, I wear Levi's almost exclusively since I found the 511 line, which fits my body like a glove. I have a pair in every color. Also, my penis likes hipster boys who don't wear shirts, otherwise I might not live in such close proximity to McCarren Park.

Also, it happens to be a beautifully produced commercial, and the recording of Whitman is very stirring. I find myself getting moved by it, only to get angry two seconds later that it's a jeans commercial.

I worry that I'm getting stupider. Or more stupid. Or more stupider?

I'm the worst.

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. IT'S A HATE CRIME.

The Bea Arthur estate left $300,000 dollars to the Ali Fornay center, which helps homeless LGBT kids. This is reason number eleventy-billion that Bea was a hep, hep chick. Thank you for being a friend, Bea. You make me want to do The Urkel.

In other gay news, the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act became law today. Hooray! Hopefully the law might help prevent more gay dudes being beaten to death and left for dead, or dissuade white supremacists from dragging a black guy from the back of their truck.

I've never understood why some people don't feel hate crime laws are necessary (bigots aside.) It's no surprise of course that these people, in general, are not minorities and thusly don't spend a large portion of their time watching their backs, but that's neither here nor there. A crime is a crime, right? Violence is violence? Not so much. When you murder a dude you're committing a crime against him. When you murder a black dude because he's black, you're actually committing a symbolic crime against the entire black community. You're sending a messgae that all black people are deserving of murder. It's a form of terrorism.

MY STORIES.

I was looking for scenes from my favorite soap opera of all time, Passions, when I happened upon one miss NancyDrew37 and her delightful video blog. I love how dolled up she gets to film herself talking about soap operas, and I honestly think her earnestness is pretty charming. She obviously really loves her soaps (or loves to hate them.)

I've often thought that the worst part of having a day job and, let's be honest, what amounts to a full-time night job, is that i don't get to watch soaps. oh, how I miss that summer in college when I was unemployed and desperately poor when i just chain smoked in my squat and watched Passions followed by Twin Peaks* on VHS.

I wish I could be friends with NancyDrew37. We could watch the soaps together and then do lunch at The Olive Garden. Then maybe shopping at Pier 1?

Please enjoy NancyDrew37's rants on...

The Young and the Restless

The Bold and the Beautiful

And finally, Passions.

*I still think this is the best way to watch Twin Peaks for the first time...in a dark room during the middle of the day, having sent your last dollars on cigarettes instead of food.

Finally, just for fun and because it's Halloween... Marlena possessed by the devil on Days of Our Lives. This clip is the epitome of beauty.

THE BITCH IS BACK.

Oh my god you guys, I am fagging out.

The BBC aired the first episode of... are you ready for this?... Joan Collins Does Glamour. I know, right? How was this not already a show? How is this not on 24 hours a day? Check it out:

I hope she slaps peopel and  pushes people into pools and stuff. God, I can't WAIT. If this isn't on BBC America when I get home, somebody will pay dearly. 

BEST TV SHOW EVER: THE KINGDOM.

I just finished watching Series 1 of Lars von Trier's mid 90's television series, The Kingdom (or Riget in Danish.) Holy cow, what a good show! I first encountered it as a teenager, when it marathoned at The Egyptian in Seattle. An arty friend saw it and raved about it, but I was not yet in the habit of traveling to seattle from Kitsap County on my free time as I would a year or two later. I've written about my love of gothic soap operas here before, but now that I'm writing one I decided to sit down and finally watch this one.

The Kingdom concerns Kingdom hospital, a once sleek and modern hospital built upon the grounds of what used to be the Danish bleaching ponds. What are bleaching ponds? I have no idea, but they're creepy and we're treated to sepia toned, slow motion silhouettes of old-timey people twisted and hanging sheets in a marsh enshrouded by fog at the start of each episode. Over this of course is a somber narration about how cracks are beginning to show in the sleek ediface of The Kingdom and how, for all of our arrogance and modern reason, we cannot keep out the spirit world.

The plot revolves around Mrs. Drusse, an elderly woman addicted to hospitals and obsessed with spirits and the occult, who encounters the ghost of a little girl on an elevator in the hospital and sets about laying her to rest with the help of her enormous adult son, who just so happens to be a male nurse at the hospital.

The plot also involves a doctor trying to cover up a botched surgery, a ghost ambulance that mysteriously appears each night, a doctor that is transfering a cancerous tumour into his own body so that he can keep it, and a baby that is developing much too quickly for comfort.

One element of the show I particularly like is the greek chorus of mentally retarded dish washers in the hospital kitchen who relay to one another everything that is going on in the hospital without ever leaving the kitchen. It is very theatrical and very, very unsettling. 

I also love the bizarre speech that Lars von Trier makes at the end of each episode. It's so weird and unnecessary. Also, he's not actually saying anything. That or the translation  is bad. Is that common for Scandanavian television? I don't care. LOVE it. 

It's fun to watch him make that devil symbol with his hands like the heavy metal dudes my big sister Karma hung out with when I was little though. "Take the good with the evil." I will Lars. I will.

P.S. Stephen King remade this for American television as Kingdom Hospital and added in a giant talking anteater (or something?) Anyway, it was whack. America FAIL.

MORE NOSTALGIA.

Rainy days always get me down.

Today I wish I were at home watching my Season One box set of 227. God, I could use some Jackee right about now.

And then I found this:

WHO NEEDS TO READ?

Spotted on the Upper East Side. My photo essay on Gossip Girl and cellphone usage is up at Who Needs to Read?

xoxo

Tarhearted

WITCHBOARD.

The Boyfriend and I were watching the Chiller network last night when an old favorite came on. I used to rent Witchboard from the Safeway by my house when I was kid, and can remember thinking that Tawny Kitane was about the most sophisticated and glamorous woman I could imagine. Couple that with my life long obsession with Ouija boards and you've got a Conkel favorite.

Oh my god, this movie is so much better as an adult. The cast is out to lunch, the script is retarded, and the whole thing feels like it was put together by a closeted homo. (It obsesses over Tawny's various outfits and keeps the two male leads shirtless throughout.) There is some wonderful photography of Lee press-on nails on ouija boards though, so there's that. Also, a new wave dyke psychic! Everybody wins!

I got inspired some took screen shots, but for technical reasons can't post them right now. I'm really sad that i wasn't fast enough to capture the amazing hat, pashmina, and onesy that Tawny Kitane wears to a funeral, but I'm only human. This is very distressing. I wanted to created a photo essay so that the whole world  could see what a  beautiful film it is, but it'll have to wait. In the mean time, please enjoy the trailer:

I promise that a photo essay is forthcoming.

BONER JAMS.

I'm in a long term, committed relationship, but I'm not dead. So who am I crushing on right now?

1. Washington D.C Editor of The Nation and regular Keith Olbermann guest, Christopher Hayes.

I can't believe this is the best picture I've found of him. It's not that good, really. He's so cute, he should be the subject of any number of GQ/Vanity Fair/Playgirl editorials. Why isn't he the next Anderson Cooper? Just watch him work:

So fucking adorable! He's the kind of dude you want to see in boxers and a tee shirt making eggs in the morning. Also, he's really smart, which is a big turn on. Actually, that might hurt my chances. I mean, he's Editor of The Nation, for God's sake. What are the chances he's going to want to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta with me and eat hot open turkey sandwiches from the diner? They probably aren't great. Also, he's straight and married which is so just...  whatever.

One quibble: he needs hipper frames. I'd like to see him in something like this:

Speaking of Gossip Girl (I'm behind, so don't tell me anything!):

2. Ed Westwick AKA Chuck Bass AKA my fashion icon. Look at this hotness:

He's totally sucking in, by the way. The blogs have been so mean about his weight gain, but I think his little gut is sexy. I'm not a bear or anything, but I do like real bodies. I just wish this picture had been taken after he got all his new tattoos.

TELEVISED BARFNESS.

What in sam hell is ABC trying to do to me? Their Fall line-up has two- count 'em- TWO right wing sitcoms airing back-to-back.

On Wednesday nights kabillions of fatos and halfwits will tune in to watch Kelsey Grammer star in Hank, a show about a red faced jerk off who loses his job and is struggling to keep his middle class family in house and home. Oh, really? Well, if Kelsey cared so much about the middle class perhaps he wouldn't vote right wing.

BARF.

 

Follow that up with a half hour of cuntessa supreme Patricia Heaton in The Middle and you've got a double dose of barfness. Too bad that dilf has to act alongside such an evangelical, right wing, hatchet face.

 

The Middle, get it? Middle America. Where the real Americans are.  Barf times three.

Who is in charge over there? I asked for this, I guess. I always said I was sick of shows about rich white people in the cities. I didn't mean this, though! Why can't we have a new Roseanne? ABC fails.